Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.