Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material