Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Anarchy

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true