Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

this was the best i’ve ever seen

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

me working on my assignments ^-^

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”