Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.