Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
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A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”