Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🙄😏😂🤣

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

#oldknees

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.