Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?