Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
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Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Worth the read.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live