Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

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Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.



Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.


me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk


Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.


“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye


I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.


Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant


I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.


Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?