@Darlainky

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

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@joeldanger

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

@mommy_cusses

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

@_coryrichardson

me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

@audipenny

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

@lmegordon

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

@BigJDubz

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

@Mardigroan

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

@daemonic3

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?