Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
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My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
😬
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?