me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
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[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”