me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
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17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.