Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

Church Pugh’s

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.