Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

The internet is full of many things

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

[enter password]
ForrestGump
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ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard