Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk