Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.

These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.

BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know