ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
$4 #usedbooks
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?