ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
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It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.