Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.