ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Happy Star Wars day!
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
