ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
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Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Herpes is trending, good job people
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.