ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
