Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

*praying for world peace*
God:

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.