me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
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My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.