Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.