ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
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Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
They must have gotten it to go.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.