Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

That’s no pocket rocket.

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?