Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!