If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
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well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*