*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
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returning to work after a holiday weekend like
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.