Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

😂

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba