Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.