me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
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My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*