Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt