Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.