Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

10/10 no notes

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh