Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

🐠

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

Showerkraut

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”