Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
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them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg