Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…