Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Finally, an explanation.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy