Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

Google assistant rules

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.