Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

the thing about me is that i am ready to hate anyone’s boyfriend at a moment’s notice. i need approximately zero seconds to prepare. literally just lmk

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.