Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*![]()
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Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
When life hands you women, make women laid.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆![]()
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Only Americans understand
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Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH