Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
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Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect