Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
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my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes