People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
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*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
My beach vacation Google searches
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.