Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
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If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer