Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very problematic

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

aura

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.