Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Bear knowledge

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Put this video in the Louvre

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.