Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.