Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

I only treason on days ending in y

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

That 👊

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it