me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
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[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Life hack
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.