Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

This one, by a wide margin

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.