Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
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Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Phones down.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
oh good, now I can stop drinking
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”