Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook