ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
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My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
