Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

*fills out form*

*clicks “send me a copy”*

email: *dings*

me: ooh what’s that

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.