ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
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“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”