Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
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Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3