Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running