ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
You Might Also Like
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
The Friday File.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.