ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
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“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Cashiers are always checking me out
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.