Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance