Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
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i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?