Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.

The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:

The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.

Me: OK

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

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