Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
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me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
This rocks
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.