Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?