me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Me, reading some of your tweets
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
When you put it that way… 😂
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..